Coming On Your Face This Fall.

Is that title too rude?

Many moons ago, when I wasn’t a hot-shot advertising intern.

Back when I could afford to flat and didn’t have to move in with my parents because it’s apparently difficult to remember to pay people.

Back when I could wake up at noon, drink on weeknights and didn’t have a care in the world.

Way back then (why did I get a grown up job again?) I worked with a friend of mine called Joe. You may not be able to call what we did work. We did stock shelves and occasionally talk to customers but mostly we shared our time talking about cartoons and making up insanely far-fetched movie scripts.

Now Joe and I, whilst very different people, work very well together when it comes to writing scripts. I like to think this is because, like our favorite writer John Swartswelder of the Simpsons, we enjoy trying to come up with insane yet funny scenarios.

Ours were less funny because a) it was us trying to outdo each other with stupidity and b) we were working in a timber yard and wrote several scripts on big sheets of ply-wood (If you brought one of those pieces of ply-wood, hold onto it, it may be worth a lot some day).

I will share these movie concepts with you, but I have to stretch these out to one a day. Mainly if you read them all at once your head will explode from how awesome they are, but also because I have work to do and writing them all at once would take my entire morning.

So, without further adieu.

“Three’s Company.”

This was our Avatar (a movie I didn’t care much for, for the record), the greatest one we ever thought of, and if one of our scripts could be brought to life it would be this one. It was a comedy, action, romance, drama, horror, with a dash of sci-fi and a whole truckload of WTF.

Three guys, I don’t think we ever got so far as to name them, all work at a nuclear power plant (I know you're already hooked). There's some sort of explosion, and a toxic waste spill rips the heads off two of the guys and causes these heads to become attached to the body of third guy.

It may seem insensitive with whats going on in the world but we wrote it ages ago
so it must I am exempt from being insensitive. 

Now this third guy is a nervous-yet-okay looking guy. He has a date with the hot girl that works in another department at the plant, I'm thinking Scarlett Johansson. He has one opportunity to take her out a few nights after the explosion. However, he has to go on this date while attempting to conceal the fact that he has two extra heads, hiding them with parrot costumes, potted plants, a boom box and balloons.

 These heads (because some how they survived) give him advice throughout the date, although in one hilarious scene one of them gets annoyed at something she says and tries to take control of third guy's arm and throw something at her which the third guy has to try and play off.

Another of the heads is an aspiring magician. His first gig is a few nights after the explosion but of course he doesn’t have proper control over the limbs of the body they all now share. So he has to teach the others the tricks. He somehow manages to incorporate the fact that he has three heads into his act and although he is very nervous, this is his golden opportunity after all,  after a few early hiccups and a lacklustre audience he eventually wins them over and his show goes well.

I can’t really remember the third guy’s back-story. Perhaps he was suicidal and the other two convince him life is worth living. That kind of works doesn’t it? Or he was a drug addict and they get him clean, the Oscar guys will love the gritty realism of that (Christian Bale can play him cause he does those roles well usually).

The B story, to add a comedy aspect (because the rest of the story is so gritty and real) the bodies of the two detached heads are running around town getting into all sorts of mischief. They foil a bank robbery, save a baby and are awarded the keys to the city for various acts of heroism. Obviously all of this is completely by coincidence because in reality they are just headless bodies running around aimlessly, unable to see, hear or respond.

Throughout the movie we see that though the three guys hated each other, they grow to be friends and by the time they are (miraculously) separated, they are the best buds and get together all the time for beers. The closing shot will be them sitting creepily close together because they miss all being attached.

There are probably more plot points I am forgetting and will be reminded of, so there may be revisions in the days, weeks even months to come. But as I remember it, this is our greatest master piece.

So next week I will discuss more of mine and Joes epic movie/TV show ideas.

P.S. This is mine and Joe’s idea. If you steal it and make a movie we want a cut, and to go on stage when you win an Oscar. Also I want to meet all the stars, because part of the reason for writing these concepts was to meet famous people and be their friends and piggyback off their success and travel the world.