The Re-Re-Return

Kaw-kaw

Hark! What is that majestic sound?

Could it be? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it  ‘80’s hair metal icon Vince Neil “singing”?

Well, for this metaphor to work you were right the first time.

 It’s a bird.

A phoenix even! Rising from the ashes.

For those that have missed it the phoenix in this metaphor is me, or more specifically this tiny corner of the Internet that I hangout in and occasionally write things in.

Sure it may not be a phoenix. Maybe a pigeon that can resurrect its self. It still only has half a foot from that time it got to close to the Koi pond. It’s lost some feathers because its diet consists primarily of bits of sushi people dropped and a bus hit it that one time.

For this metaphor to continue it had to be set fire at some point as well. That’s a terrible image but remember, like a thai massage, there is a happy ending.

I wont apologise for being away for so long. I’ve already don’t that enough. What I will say is that this little corner of the Internet I call my own will hopefully be a lot more active in the coming weeks, months, years and if my research goes to plan I will one day and forever be some kind of omnipotent overlord.

I have more stories, rants and of course far too much free time.

Is this a promise? Hell no! Just look at the last few posts. It’s just as heartfelt and apologetic as this one. But I’ve changed this time I really have. And by changed I mean I have much more free time.

Maybe.

So, welcome back. The booze is in the fridge; try not to spill the dip on my new rug. Is this a new haircut? It is, thanks for noticing.

Put on your favourite song about coming home, or coming back, or returning, or just hit random on itunes and see what comes up.

I missed you guys.

Regularly Scheduled Programming.

Oh, I didn’t see you there.

How are you going? You’re in my living room because I haven’t posted in a while?

You are wondering where I am?

You were worried?

That’s so sw…. Oh, no right I lured you here with candy and false promises.

Ah, well. You’re here now.

It has been a while, I know. Since my last post (saying I’d have more time to post, oops) much has happened. 

But for now I feel as though I need to make, at least a few more, excuses before we can go on and truly reconnect.

After leaving advertising I also left Auckland, running away because a) it was fun and b) as much as I want a ‘real job’ not having one is more fun.

Why then, I hear you ask, if you have been having so much fun have you not updated us all. Why have we not been able to be amused by your witticisms and jokes, your cynical and misinformed view on world events?

Well, in advertising I thought, “Look at me, this creativity I have pent up is marvellous, when I can focus it on something, other than creating brilliant ads, I can point my hot sticky beam of creativity at the internet creating the funniest thing since lol cats.”

Unfortunately, as in the case with me, I needed that pressure and stress to be able to do anything remotely creative.  It was the random sparks from creating ads that left me with something to talk to you about. The half finished thoughts and stupid random questions that made me want to write.

But here, or anywhere since I left advertising I haven’t had that stress and that spark to write. So, I have set my self the challenge of getting a more intellectually fulfilling job and to write more, for you.

And then people of the Internet we shall, together, create something so great, so powerful even the mighty might of the internet will not be able to contain us.

Because if I can change, and you can change, then maybe the whole damn world can change!

Ladies and Gentlemen, with no further ado, We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, “The Whole Thing Stinks.”

Cue applause and fireworks.

I Should Release A Sex Tape To Boost My Profile.

Pictures make sit more interesting so here is one.
It is a photo and exact transcript  of the sort of things I say around the office....
Even though I am a copywriter. And That tie looks hideous on me.

Right I am back. It may not be for good, but for now it is so. So rejoice while you can and treat every post as my last because I am;
A) a little lazy and
B) overworked and underpaid (less than minimum wage represent!).

Now that I seem like a pessimistic a-hole (censoring for the kids, oh how I have grown up), let's go on.

So I have been working at an agency called Publisic Mojo in Auckland. It has been going well as far as I can tell so win there. But uh, its been challenging, not going to lie.

I do office-y things like send comical emails, and break computers while playing late night indoor cricket as Hugh and I think of ideas.

And I write a lot. It's advertising writing which doesn’t really flow like normal writing, which is the reason I have disjointed paragraphs and unfinished sentences. I will stab you if you tell me I am doing it wrong, because I got told the other day that a letter Hugh and I wrote was, and I believe this is verbatim, “quite well written.” Boom Bit…. characters (haha there is still a naughty word there but remember I'm being good for the kids).

So this is currently being written at my desk while Hugh is setting up a wordpress account (pfft wordpress. What an * insert a stereotype that uses wordpress*), because we are stuck.

So today’s call to action (look at me being all advertise-y) is that I want a list of sites that are interesting and inspiring because trawling youtube is fun and all but I needs me some brain food… although I can never get enough of this video. 

And also this video never gets me down.

Bus-lane To Hell.

I will admit it. I cant spell or use grammar. Its just something I am incapable of. So I get Beka (read her blog here) to proof read my shit. From time to time I get messages from here on my posts. I thought this one was particularly funny so here it is. Posted with all Beka's comments in tact.
Green writing is my replies.
Enjoy


ALL RED TEXT IS MY COMMENTARY ON THIS BLOG SINCE I'M NOT GOING TO POST IT.
DELETE IT BEFORE HITTING PUBLISH POST, OR FEAR THE WRATH OF MY TAKEOVER. I will post it because I do not fear it I welcome it!
So inter-friends (combo word in the first line. Off to a good start). How are we all?

If the answer was good, then good I am glad, if not, that sucks, but what do you want me to do about it? Seriously, I’m a dude at the other end of a computer filling in time until my boss gives me something to do, or Hugh notices I have stopped thinking about the task at hand and am in fact writing a blog.

But that is beside the point. Today I want to tell you all about my recent trip to Wellington for the sevens, because I can and it was fun and you should all be jealous.

So it all started with, of all things, a bus journey. 12 fucking hours of bus journey to be exact. It was a little excessive to say the least.

On the bus I planned to keep a diary, writing my thoughts and feelings about the trip, I thought it would be entertaining. Me being bored, my mind wandering off into crazy realms, who would of thought I would end up just bitching.


So here it is: The bus has a fucked up Nike tick for a smile. You are owned by consumerism, admit it. Fuck you I can't work paint!

He looks happy. He was happy because he was about to eat my soul.
Also because I couldn't make the face mean enough. Picture evil eyes, maybe some demons
perhaps a cigarette and some tattoos (not cool tattoos though, douchey shit tattoos.)

8 am: Just got on, ready for a long day, the driver looks like Wormtail from Harry Potter.

9-10 am: Consisted of such witticisms as “wow I have only been on here for an hour/2 hours" and "Hope we can stop for the toilet soon”.

11 am: A guy fell asleep on me.

12 noon: I got a sandwich when we stopped.

12-4 pm: More bitching about how long it’s been.

5 pm (hold onto your socks cause this is a doozy): The guy woke up.

6-7 pm: I got a new person sitting next to me. Judging the amount of Australian merch she had on she was from there, or she got one hell of a discount at the Australia store, probably after giving the guy behind the counter favours. I got no favours so assumed it was the first one.

8 I got off the bus... At the wrong stop. Not because I am an idiot but because the driver is.  He drove past my stop happily unawares. Probably smiling and whistling, the bastard.

So that was the trip down there. It was like you were there, I know. See why I don’t like covering actual topics that happened to me in real life? Because you're a depressing bastard. Much like House, but without the limp. At least I put a positive spin on the things that happen to me in real life... well, I do sometimes. Beka. You so emo.

I did however, later that night, while drunk, write a note that said, “All Blacks is 3 strips”.  Its some sort of code I am sure. It has a deeper meaning. If you know the deeper meaning let me know. But of course I did fall asleep in a cupboard mere minutes after so I don’t know. The deeper meaning is the All Blacks are sponsored by Adidas. Sorry to kill your buzz. That could of been it. I didnt think of that. But I am sure my drunken mind is capable of higher thought.... maybe not, I did sleep in a cupboard.

Maybe I am a prophet, like the new (tries to choose the religion that will offend the least people. Who do Amish worship? They can’t get pissed at me, computer-less fools) Adam you haven't finished this sentence. Like the new what? Your face.

Until next time.