Sunday, January 30, 2011

Just For The Record...

I have never had a sexual encounter with The Wiggles.

I mean, I’m sure as people they are nice enough, and in adult situations they are probably more than capable.

In fact,  they are probably quite good; all enthusiastic, turning it into a game. And even if you weren't that good*, they would still make you feel like a million bucks... aside from the feelings of shame and guilt you'd feel for just having had a romp with four men that play with kids for a living.

Dorothy would of course stay at home. I don’t care who you are I don’t want a dinosaur at a Wiggles orgy. Although, as a heterosexual male, it would be a little reassuring to have a female in the room**.

Captain Feather-Sword would have to leave his feather sword at the door; I don’t need that thing ruining my rhythm.

And Jeff would have to drink a serious amount of coffee before he was allowed in. You don’t want to be in the middle of some sort Wiggle-based pterodactyl maneuver, look over and find you have to yell “Wake up, Jeff!” around a mouthful of Captain FeatherSword. That's got to be seven kinds of messy.

So again, just reiterating, there was no Wiggles orgy.


The main reason I say this is that after I posted that picture yesterday of me covered in multi-coloured Wiggles jizz paint; I was questioned as to why.

The tale goes a little something like this***.

It was a dark and stormy night in Ponsonby, a suburb of Auckland in New Zealand, for the 14 of you not from New Zealand (I love that stats page thing on blogger by the way. I can watch my views, albeit slowly, climb and also see where in the world those people are reading from).

An African-themed 21st was taking place. I, being lazy and currently too poor to afford a costume, wore a t-shirt with a tiger on it. This was deemed a lazy costume choice. I was told it wasn’t good enough then was offered the option of losing the shirt and getting painted. Because recently I have been exercising more and eating right-ish (2 chicken tender crisps from BK and a pizza from work yesterday, oops) I thought “Woo shirt off!” Alcohol may have also played a part in this decision.

I was then tastefully painted with a few handprints on my torso and looked pretty tribal, that is if the tribe was preparing for a rave.

Is that guy tastefully dressing for the rave down in the big mud hut?
 I hear the Village Elders are playing a set.

After a period of time people wanted to add to the piece of artwork that was my body. A mixture of too many people figure painting, and having to run down a very rainy footpath to get from the kitchen, which housed my precious booze, to the room in which general partying was taking place meant that the paint never dried, and that it smudged... a lot.

What happened to that guy? Did he get raped by the Wiggles (No, remember we covered that).
And remember, Motorboat for Kidz; the gift that keeps on giving.

So that’s my tale, and you will notice no Wiggles were ever involved.

Until tomorrow dear readers. Remember to hit that follow button.

*Notice how I said you, cause lets face it I’m pretty good.

** Although the fact that she is a dinosaur may negate that fact. Like if your female dog walks in while you're having sex.

*** It doesn’t go exactly like this because, as I said yesterday, my mental state was impaired by the introduction of alcohol.

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