Friday, May 20, 2011

5 Fast, 5 Furious. A Review

I broke a promise to myself.

None of you haters can say I already failed my 100 day challenge, I know, it hurts inside (not really but if you felt bad at all, then you’re a good person).

No, my promise was I went and saw something I didn’t think I wanted to see.

Two girls one cup you say? No.
Rebecca Black live? Does that exist? If so would assassination be a serious danger?

No. I'm talking a movie. A movie so bad it became good again, then bad.

I am talking about 5 Fast, 5 Furious.

These movies were badass when I was 15, when I could take my Toyota Corolla down to a gravel pit, rip the hand break and nearly write it off into a bank.

It was cool when I lived with car nuts and drifters and we went out in their cars worth more than our house and did stupid shit.

I thought "I am a dude. I know about cars. I can make one go forwards. I can change gear. I can put petrol in it. And if it stops working I can fix that shit, providing (and it is the case with my car) that the problem is that I have run out of gas." This movie will be awesome.

But they changed something. Like a porno directed by M. Night Shamalan, it had too much story and not enough action.

At times they just flat out insulted the audience by introducing us to douchebags with cool cars, race challenges where issued, pink slips were put on the line, then just as you thought this might be getting awesome... they are at the hideout with a new car, no fucking race! Not pleased, not pleased at all.

The Fast and Furious movies have traditionally been one thing, car porn. Being awesome, without being good. And before you ask, there is a difference in my opinion; Good movies have everything going for them, storyline, characters, cinematography, and the sorts of things that win awards and you leave going “that was amazing.” 

Awesome movies, like Transformers, or really anything Michael Bay has ever done, appeal to something deep within us. That part of you that is always there but only small in some people. The part of you that loves explosions and robots and boobs. The sorts of movies that are strung together by a loose storyline, but for the most part know that they won't win any awards and go "let's just make shit explode".

If you're making a movie like this, here is my advice. Pretend you're making a porn film. No one gives a crap about the characters except girls and that’s not the audience you're trying to appeal to, is it. You’re appealing to dudes, and any dude that watches this sort of movie should be instantly transformed into the sort of meathead who tries to fight everyone on a Saturday night. They want action, cool cars doing cool stuff with pretty girls.

Simple as that.

P.S. The acting was pretty terrible aswell.

P.P.S. I think I said porn too much in this post, pretty sure my mum reads this, and I am pretty sure its now NSFW. Ah well.

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