Thursday, May 26, 2011

How I Single Handedly Defeated the Rapture.

I spent the last few days dying.

Or wishing I was dead.

Or being sick. It’s all pretty subjective really. Either way you can’t do me for it, I call diplomatic immunity, I have rights under the Hays Code, not to mention the Broadcasting Standards Authority will have something to say about this!

It's not fair, Disturbed made being “Down with the Sickness” sound oh so fun, with all their gettting up and getting down with the sickness, and that “oo wa a a a” noise they make in every song they've ever released. I thought it was all due to their excitement over being sick, and the fact that they were jumping around with excitement because they got the day off work, and could pusue leisurely activities like bowls and tea-drinking, the things you know wouldn’t exacerbate food poisoning too much but are still fun enough to prevent you dying from boredom.

That's not the case, so it would seem. The getting up and down apparently refers to the constant jogs to the bathroom, and that “oo wa a a a” noise is more familiar to that sound you make when you're trying not to get puke on your bedroom floor (ladies, can you believe I’m single, I sure can't).

Perhaps it was my own personal judgment day. God came unto me and said, “You’ve been a bit of a dick lately; have some sickness.” Whilst I am somewhat flattered that I was singled out for my own personal rapture (which was made worse by the fact that I missed two days of a job I actually enjoy), that’s a dick move. If there is a god that is, and while I don’t have scientific evidence (other than science as a whole, but y'know), it's quite possible there isn’t ( and the hate mail ensues... ).

All of this hate, just after he gave me a double yolk egg on Saturday,  is obviously a sign that I am special in some way.

Undeniable proof I was chosen. Even though it looks like I just cracked two eggs into a pan.

What I can't figure out is if Harold Camping was trolling (clickable word, I will replace Wikipedia in no time*) or just a deluded old man who read way too much into one of the most ambiguous books ever written, and found the date of an event that not even God's son, Timmy, would recognise (you thought I was going to say Jesus, didn’t you. He wouldn’t know that date either but God uses Timmy as more of a PA so he is more likely to know).

Oh well at least Mr./Rev. Camping gave stand-up comedians material for years to come, well at least until the Mayans kill us all.

But through all this we have learned that you shouldn’t really be hating me for not posting (I know you were, don’t deny it). You should be thanking me for singlehandedly taking on the rapture and, as long as I don’t have coffee, kicking its ass.

Also that I, as a human being,  am not that great.

In fact, if we want to do some math with this 'god'  who caused the rapture, I defeated the rapture. With some A = B logic I am > your chosen deity. Not blasphemous, just true.


P.S. Definitely going to hell. But It will be warm there so it's okay.

P.P.S. If you are religious I am sorry. I have nothing against you and I love each and every one of you (unless you A) force it down others throats or B) use it as a justification for killing and/or generally being a bad person). Belief is such a great thing, a trait I almost wish I was capable of having.

*Mwahaha. This one is an actual definition of trolling if you need one. I don’t care what you say, Rick Rolling is still funny. And I was proving a point, aren't I clever? Yes, yes I am.

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