Friday, June 10, 2011

Love in the time of Swine Flu.

As some of you may know, I am in fact a writer of more than just these blogs. Not only do I write these masterpieces some call mere blogs, but I'm also a copy writer for an advertising company.

I write all sorts of things: ads, shopping lists, stories, notes telling people to clean the fucking coffee machine so my coffee doesn’t taste like it was strained through ass, all sorts really.

Of course, I am also writing a book. It is called “Love in the time of Swine Flu”, my modern adaptation of a little book you may be familiar with called Love in the time of Cholera.

Production has halted momentarily however, mainly due to the fact that I have never read LiToC (abrevs, god I’m cool) amongst other things.

But with my limited understanding (i.e. two people fall in love, lots of people have cholera, one of them gets cholera, they both die happy even though they were probably only in their twenties and the dude was cheating anyway be he still totally loved her) I have managed to write for you, seen for the first time on the interwebs right here, the climactic scene where Franco and Cynthia finally realize their love for each other. In fact, it could be a short story and this could be the epic second half, not sure yet.

This is only the first draft, but its pretty much done.
I have also made the book classy by setting it in the not to distant past. Note the iPhone 3, get with the times.

“I totally love you.” said Franco, as he looked up from texting his boys.
“Do you really mean that?” said Cynthia, who was on facebook and so totes ready to change her realationship status.
“Yea, like, fully aye.” Franco said, casting his phone aside but making sure it landed on the soft part of the couch, because it was an iPhone and that shit was expensive.
They moved towards each other, angelically dancing across the room, dodging all of the discarded clothes on the floor because they both knew there was a playstation controller in there somewhere and you don’t want to stand on that.
When they reached each other they embraced, made out for a bit, then suddenly Cynthia turned her head.
“Hold up a sec.” she said before letting out an almighty cough.
“Ew that’s gross,” said Franco, “Do you have Swine Flu or something?”
“No, shut up!” said Cynthia defensively. But it was too late, Franco knew.
The anger welled up inside him and he imagined uppercutting the bitch, but didn’t because he didn’t hit girls.
“Bitch you know I have underlying medical condition that, if exposed to a disease such as swine flu, could cause me to die.” he yelled angrily.
Cynthia was taken aback, where did this sudden burst of intelligence come from? Despite her love  for him she thought Franco was a dumb shit, but then she realized he was reading it off the Internet.

Beautiful, isn’t it?
I cried a little writing it, I’m not going to lie. I think it could be a best seller, mums will relate because the characters are like their kids, girls will love it cause they relate the complicated relationship dynamics, dudes will find the swearing funny and emo kids can write fan fiction about dying.

It’s the book that has it all.

I am of course looking for a publisher, so email me, it will be the last thing you ever do as a publisher… (Because of all the money you’ll make).


  1. Why thank you. I do try, tireless research went into making the characters sounding like real people and not just vague stereotypes.