Monday, June 20, 2011

A Get Rich Quick Scheme That Is Too Brilliant To Fail

I finally figured it out.

The way I can become a millionaire without resorting to diamond theft/ multi-level marketing.

It all started on Saturday night (insert memory transition sequence here). I was talking to a lovely young lady at a bar, wearing my newly acquired frames. Because I am new to the world of glasses I took them off, and was holding them so to prevent forming a transparent glass barrier between me and whomever it was I chatting to.

 For the record, I got my glasses about two or three weeks ago and the idea of something resting on my face all day just doesn't agree with me. Don’t get me wrong, they don’t look bad it's just annoying having them there constantly (although they definitely do make me look like I’d be better at calculus or could tell you the first 100 digits of Pi or even be able to beat pretty much everyone I know at a Simpsons trivia contest - though one of those things may be true).

So after a while of me experimenting with various methods of glasses storage, ranging from on the table (where I was scared they would be lost/stolen/broken), in my pocket, on my head, on her head, to hanging them on the edge of my glass (although I'll admit that was mostly for comic effect). It was then that we tapped into an idea, an idea so brilliant that someone has thought of it before, but A) that someone is probably dead and B) I will rebrand it to be cool.

The plan: Those strappy things that let your glasses hang down by your chest.

I know what you're thinking - 'Adam, they were never cool, ever. BOOM!'. I simply rebut this with 'then why does my granddad have one?' (Oh snap).

What I need to do is make them cool again. The ones made out of wetsuit material are obviously the coolest ones so I will start from there. For daywear they can be whatever colour goes with our outfit and at night they can be fluro so you stand out on the dance floor.

There will also be cool slogans on the back of them like, 'How am I dancing?' then a phone number, or 'Honk if you’re Horny', or the ever classic 'Where’s the beef?'. The list goes on, you can pretty much customize them to be whatever your heart desires, and I can release new ones each season in a range of trending colours, with different slogans to cover all age groups, I mean, what kid wouldn’t want a Thundercats band (Do the kids still watch thundercats? If they don’t mine sure as hell will be)?

Also in my new fashion line, 'Zinc Stencils' - so if you want to zinc your sniffer* you can have cool slogans across your face. Of course in the long run I will release those sunglasses lenses that sit on your prescription glasses and flip down. And last, but certainly not least, I'll be rebranding those swimming trunks that are too tight and show off your junk and only seem to be worn by the one creepy, hairy, eastern European guy on the beach. Or speedos, whatever our public decides.

They will all be ready by summer (or winter American time)...

If I can find an investor (hint hint.)

*to all Americans, do you have zinc there. The flouro coloured stuff you put on your nose in the ‘90’s


  1. i think first priority should be the sunglasses lenses that flip down over normal ones. clearly the coolest item in your line; without a doubt.

  2. So now Im cool cos I wear those all the time! I would prefer when you look at me you don't wear your glasses cos I look better without them :) Anon

  3. I know, Mel, the flip down lenses have many a use; sun visor, mickey mouse ears or even sun glasses (when they flip down, also known as the intended use.)

    This second anonymous person is much harder to guess. But yes when I create this knew fashion crazy you will be the pinnacle of cool, like Vanilla Ice or Cher.